Does he … You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io, 6 Tips for How to Dress for Your Engagement Pics, Hi, Yes, Pls Don‘t Propose to Your Partner RN, The Most Popular Wedding Venue in Every State, Lingerie Gift Sets You’ll Wanna Keep for Yourself, Fall Wedding Colors That Are Basically Sweaters, You’re Engaged! Wondering “should I propose?” The “should we have kids” discussion is pretty key. Its a good way of proposing means before proposing her just take a support of her father .And here think to be is you should be very careful while dealing with her parent.That's all.Be prepared. April also suggests if you do decide to ask pops for her hand, be sure you do it close enough to the big day to minimize the chance of word getting out. 0. You know that you know that you know that you know… It’s healthy to question, to be concerned, and to be nervous. Men used to call their fathers-in-law “Sir” and made a show of losing games of canasta to them. My story hits a snag, however, when I get into the least plannable and thus most stressful part of the proposal experience: You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. If she’s a woman who values family but doesn’t hold on tight to traditions, then make sure her family is aware of the proposal. I seek your collective wisdom regarding proper etiquette here, and any experience you might have had on this. So to be clear, no one is drawing a feminist line in the sand, with every woman whose husband asked her father for his blessing on the “Bad Feminist” side. Her father passed away about three years ago. It depends. In an Anglo-Saxon culture in present times you do not need to ask the girls parents first. James Bassil. If distance makes an in-person meeting impossible, try for a Skype call first, and, barring that, a phone call. Cosmopolitan participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites. Talk to the parents .. then propose directly after that. “I was only 24 years old at the time. Start out expressing your feelings for his daughter. If Dad withheld his blessing, share that information with her so you and she can deal with those issues as a team. A proposal should be a ritual and formality, a sweet moment that comes after in-depth discussions about why you want to get married, what marriage means, what it will look like, and when you want to do it. Is it common in your culture? Well, yes, it is kind of old-school, in the same way that opening the car door for her is. ), This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. Ms. Cox (nee Knowles) says that while asking for her father’s permission was a formality, she wanted Mr. Cox to do so. April also suggests if you do decide to ask pops for her hand, be sure you do it close enough to the big day to minimize the chance of word getting out. The legal landscape of marriage has blessedly changed, and no longer does marriage mean that “husband and wife are one, [and] the one is the husband,” as it was under the law of coverture, when women gave up nearly all of their individual rights upon marriage. This includes respecting all the traditional rituals, from asking her dad at the outset to bending on one knee in the moment. Talk to her parents as soon as possible .. after you first talk to her. “Asking her father for her hand in marriage before you ask her, may seem cheesy, but it also may endear you to her folks (priceless) and not doing so may disappoint,” she said in an interview. So you need to maximize it by going 100% cheesy, rose petals and all. It’s respectful: visiting her father before the proposal shows that you care about both your fiancee’s wishes (assuming she would want you to ask for his blessing) and her father’s wishes, too. What's left to do? “Asking her father for her hand in marriage before you ask her, may seem cheesy, but it also may endear you to her folks (priceless) and not doing so may disappoint,” she said in an interview. If you don’t, your failure to do so will haunt you forever. Alternatively, she might agree with you and agree to marry you while you both work things … Now, to the second hardest part—the actual proposal. Overall, though, you should be confident in the relationship. There are few things that demonstrate less respect for an adult woman than asking her dad if she’s allowed to make one of the biggest decisions of her life. By: Sharp Staff | January 9, 2018 Tagged With: Marriage , Q&A100 , Relationships Are Overrated Anyway Here are 9 tips to help you prepare for the big discussion before you propose. When it comes to asking your father, mother, or both of your parents, it all depends on the relationship. These days, a man asking his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage is more out of respect than permission. In the months before they propose to their partners, men across America will be popping a different question – to their future fiancé’s father, asking for his blessing to marry his daughter. Most Helpful Girls. It is indeed traditional to ask a woman’s father if you can marry her, because traditionally, marriage was a property transfer – with you, the bride, as the property. V-Day Books to Read Before/After/Instead of a Date, Thinking About the SoulCycle At-Home Bike? And while I suspect most couples today would say that they see marriage as a partnership of equals, that claim is undermined when couples also embrace the bizarre and outdated ideals that persist in the language and rituals of this union. She’ll love the gesture and will be flattered by your manners. By contrast, only 58 percent of brides say they knew a proposal was coming, but just weren’t sure when – for 40 percent, it was a complete surprise. Should you ask her father before you pop the question? Part of the reason human beings rely on tradition is because it’s a shortcut to traversing complex and important life events in a way that makes everyone comfortable and won’t hurt any feelings. This is a nod to history, and a sign of respect for the family you are seeking to join. But perhaps second only to women overwhelmingly folding their names and identities into their husbands when they marry is men asking their girlfriend’s father for permission to marry her. (See also the ubiquity of “Future Mrs. Whatever” marital paraphernalia that adorns bachelorette parties and wedding-day getting-ready robes to “you may kiss the bride.”). It's a deeply sexist practice. So let’s tackle each. Before jumping the gun and sitting down with her … And of course participating in some of the less-than-feminist aspects of engagement and marriage isn’t always a sacrifice – lots of women, myself included, have found a lot of fun in the frivolity of sparkly jewelry or a magical white dress. There’s a lot about American marriage traditions that are sexist, and a lot of sexism that gets rewritten as romance. Today, I’m focusing on one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father’s permission before you propose. These days, a man asking his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage is more out of respect than permission. Believe me, I know – this is personal for me, because I’m getting married in a few months. If her father is no longer alive, or if his whereabouts are unknown, don’t assume that you can ignore this tradition altogether. Should they live far away, try to call at a time when you think they'll be home. Well, guess what? In its 2015 Jewelry and Engagement Study, the Knot found that 77 percent of grooms asked permission from the bride’s father or parents before proposing, up … “Respect,” the answer goes. Is that something that would make her and her father's life more wonderful? June 4, 2013 . Navigating the landscape of American marital norms – and trying to do so in a way that feels like an authentic reflection of my own values, my partner’s values, and the relationship we are building – is a tiptoe around landmines, and feminism is just one. By: Sharp Staff | January 9, 2018 Tagged With: Marriage , Q&A100 , Relationships Are Overrated Anyway Today, I’m focusing on one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father’s permission before you propose. And respecting a woman means not treating her like property, a stereotype instead of an individual, or an appendage to yourself – which means not expecting she take your name, not expecting she’ll do more of the at-home work because she’s the woman, and not asking her father if it’s OK to marry her. I seek your collective wisdom regarding proper etiquette here, and any experience you might have had on this. You deferred to him for the simple reason that he had toughed through more of life than you had, and because you knew that your gestures of respect would later entitle you to similar groveling from your own future son-in-law. Prepare to ask a girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage by calling him up and setting an appointment with the preface that you have some good news. Challenging conventional wedding traditions may be low on the list of feminist priorities, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important to take a hard look at the rituals and norms we hold dear, or participate in without much thought. This is obviously less egregious than a man talking to his partner’s father before ever seriously discussing marriage plans with her, and then springing a surprise proposal on her (please, every woman reading this, if your boyfriend does this, run away as fast as you can – major life decisions are not best made by surprise, and being forced to utter a split second yes/no to marriage is not romantic; it’s a sign you’re too immature to get married). Author has 7.1K answers and 5M answer views. We know it’s a little old fashion, but it’s still preferred for men to ask the girlfriend’s family for permission before proposing. If at all possible, make this a face-to-face meeting. 0. Here are 9 tips to help you prepare for the big discussion before you propose. As marriage has gotten more egalitarian, it’s also gotten better. Criticizing couples’ choices, especially around what is supposed to be a joyous and celebratory event, is fraught territory. You and your partner may have talked about having the same last name—that’s a sign that you’re both comfortable with the idea of … ... have no bearing on whether or not he will propose, he points out. Do it in person. You love the idea of sharing a last name. Does she really want to marry you? When you give it to him, you’ll set yourself apart from every other guy under 30 in his life — including all his daughter’s ex-boyfriends. In most Western cultures it's not necessary. What the What? If your girl is someone who puts a lot of value on family and tradition, then asking her father is an absolute must. My dad wants to know his future son-in-law is committed to me, but doesn't necessarily need to be … Should You Plan the Wedding Before You're Engaged? Women don’t typically ask their boyfriends’ mothers for permission to wed, because for women, marriage isn’t seen as the taking-in of someone else; instead, you’re the one whose identity is being erased, and it’s you who’s being taken. In those bad old days, a married woman (or married girl, as the case often was) couldn’t own property or refuse sex, or have any separate legal existence from her husband; women were barred from voting in part because the husband was a wife’s legal representative. First and foremost, “Will you marry me?” should never be a real question – that is, one you don’t know the answer to and haven’t discussed extensively. It's not a sign of respect. It depends. We may earn commission from links on this page, but we only recommend products we love. Which is why those of us in feminist relationships should reject that norm – or at least understand that by partaking in it, we’re reinforcing a deeply sexist practice. Follow These Tips. She might decide to wait for her Dad’s blessing before accepting. That’s part of the point. Asking her father for her hand is an old fashioned, but quaint way of doing things. It’s the final days of August, which means summer wedding season is finally winding down, and we’ll have a few months of respite before the holiday engagement season – and the attendant ring-on-hand selfies that flood your Facebook feed -- kicks in. It could be considered sexist if your GF is the … 1; 2; Page 2 of 2. According to a 2015 survey from TheKnot.com of what appear to be overwhelmingly heterosexual couples, more than three-quarters of men ask for permission from their … Did Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler Reunite? Still, there are other ways to honor the rituals of marriage and the joining-together of two people, and two families, than asking dad’s permission. Proposal Photos That Will Make You Believe in Love. Should I Ask My Girlfriend's Father Before I Propose to Her? And even if her father said no (he won’t), it’s not going to stop the two of you from doing it anyway. If at all possible, make this a face-to-face meeting. Asking for permission only to … ... have no bearing on whether or not he will propose, he points out. Phantasm01. Since she lived with her step-father but remained very close with her father as well, she says the men were like “a team in raising her.” Knowing the value of both men in Alex’s life, Brandon knew if he wanted to ask permission to marry Alex, it would be important to her that he ask both of the men who raised her. You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. You don’t have to necessarily ask her father, but at least let someone in her immediate family know of your intentions of marriage. Bucking tradition is never easy. And it remains, for many people who enter into it, a significant turning point in their adult lives. It would be a good idea to ask her when it would be the best time to meet with her parents. Men who pride themselves on manners, etiquette, and old-school charm will undoubtedly ask permission because it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. (Remember Purses? Gender equality isn’t just about getting laws on the books; it’s about changing a culture that situates men as dominant and women as subordinate. Xper 5 +1 y. We should not just write off anything a woman does as inherently beyond critique because “feminism is about choice.” Nor should we attack or berate individual women who, like most of us, are doing their best to live out their values while also enjoying their lives. How to ask for your girl friend’s father for permission to marry his daughter. 10. Add Opinion. Lazy-A** Men Can Pay Someone to Plan Their Proposal. I do not recommend you to ask him in passing as if you are asking if you can have a beer from his fridge. This is his daughter, so giving her away won’t come easy for him. But why romanticize the asking-permission tradition that came out of such backward laws? Do it in person. Jill Filipovic is the author of The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness. In other words, more men talk to their girlfriend’s father about a plan to marry than talk about marriage, in serious and relatively immediate terms, to the woman they actually want to marry. Asking Her Parents For Permission Before You Propose It’s traditional to ask your true love’s father for permission before you propose, or to ask both parents for their blessing. Talking to Your Girlfriend’s Parents Plan what you're going to say. I could ask Mom on the phone before I propose. Feminists have to hold these two ideas simultaneously: That all of us partake in sexist cultural norms to some degree or another, and also that it’s imperative for feminists to unflinchingly critique sexist cultural norms. This is what my partner and I did – after months of conversation, we decided to get married, and then we both talked with all our parents about our decision (they were thrilled, and no one was put off by not being consulted for their permission). You should know the answers to those questions before proposing. Her mother, step-dad, or even her uncle should be treated with the same respect. Just don’t do it by text message! It’s respectful: visiting her father before the proposal shows that you care about both your fiancee’s wishes (assuming she would want you to ask for his blessing) and her father’s wishes, too. Should I Ask My Girlfriend's Father Before I Propose to Her? Should you ask her father before you pop the question? If distance makes an in-person meeting impossible, try for a Skype call first, and, barring that, a phone call. 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