In an attempt to “respect” a woman’s father, you’re disrespecting her. Here are … Should you ask her father before you pop the question? The legal landscape of marriage has blessedly changed, and no longer does marriage mean that “husband and wife are one, [and] the one is the husband,” as it was under the law of coverture, when women gave up nearly all of their individual rights upon marriage. I seek your collective wisdom regarding proper etiquette here, and any experience you might have had on this. But why romanticize the asking-permission tradition that came out of such backward laws? Still, there are other ways to honor the rituals of marriage and the joining-together of two people, and two families, than asking dad’s permission. In a marriage, you should respect your partner first and foremost. It’s respectful: visiting her father before the proposal shows that you care about both your fiancee’s wishes (assuming she would want you to ask for his blessing) and her father’s wishes, too. It is indeed traditional to ask a woman’s father if you can marry her, because traditionally, marriage was a property transfer – with you, the bride, as the property. You Want to Talk With Your Significant Other First. Add Opinion. You should know the answers to those questions before proposing. © 2021 Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. All Rights Reserved. 0. ), This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. He doesn’t want to be your buddy. My dad wants to know his future son-in-law is committed to me, but doesn't necessarily need to be … ... how and when should you approach your partners parent(s), and who should you ask? Alas, in their reckless pursuit for total equality, the baby boomers have razed the male hierarchy, and today young men approach their girlfriends’ dads with the goal of becoming “buddies.”. Before jumping the gun and sitting down with her … As marriage has gotten more egalitarian, it’s also gotten better. Before I proposed to my girlfriend, Megan, who I’ve been dating a little more than a year, I wanted to ask her father for his blessing. 0. 10. I could ask Mom on the phone before I propose. Phantasm01. “I was only 24 years old at the time. According to a 2015 survey from TheKnot.com of what appear to be overwhelmingly heterosexual couples, more than three-quarters of men ask for permission from their partner’s father or parents before they propose. By: Sharp Staff | January 9, 2018 Tagged With: Marriage , Q&A100 , Relationships Are Overrated Anyway Her mother, step-dad, or even her uncle should be treated with the same respect. Start out expressing your feelings for his daughter. You will not have a single better opportunity to stock her up on positive memories than at the moment of your proposal. (Remember Purses? In the months before they propose to their partners, men across America will be popping a different question – to their future fiancé’s father, asking for his blessing to marry his daughter. If distance makes an in-person meeting impossible, try for a Skype call first, and, barring that, a phone call. Challenging conventional wedding traditions may be low on the list of feminist priorities, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important to take a hard look at the rituals and norms we hold dear, or participate in without much thought. Today, I’m focusing on one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father’s permission before you propose. There’s a lot about American marriage traditions that are sexist, and a lot of sexism that gets rewritten as romance. Since she lived with her step-father but remained very close with her father as well, she says the men were like “a team in raising her.” Knowing the value of both men in Alex’s life, Brandon knew if he wanted to ask permission to marry Alex, it would be important to her that he ask both of the men who raised her. Navigating the landscape of American marital norms – and trying to do so in a way that feels like an authentic reflection of my own values, my partner’s values, and the relationship we are building – is a tiptoe around landmines, and feminism is just one. In its 2015 Jewelry and Engagement Study, the Knot found that 77 percent of grooms asked permission from the bride’s father or parents before proposing, up … After all, she can think for herself. Her father passed away about three years ago. I seek your collective wisdom regarding proper etiquette here, and any experience you might have had on this. Just don’t do it by text message! If distance makes an in-person meeting impossible, try for a Skype call first, and, barring that, a phone call. Ms. Cox (nee Knowles) says that while asking for her father’s permission was a formality, she wanted Mr. Cox to do so. My story hits a snag, however, when I get into the least plannable and thus most stressful part of the proposal experience: You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. This is especially true when we’re making a decision to enter into an institution that is, judging by its entire history, a sexist one. Is that something that would make her and her father's life more wonderful? “I was only 24 years old at the time. This is a nod to history, and a sign of respect for the family you are seeking to join. And even if her father said no (he won’t), it’s not going to stop the two of you from doing it anyway. It depends. Men used to call their fathers-in-law “Sir” and made a show of losing games of canasta to them. You've got it all planned. Just don’t do it by text message! Overall, though, you should be confident in the relationship. Talk to her parents as soon as possible .. after you first talk to her. And some of the most stubborn and more literal incarnations of a sexist culture come along with weddings – which is why, uncomfortable though it may be, those of us who want a more egalitarian society must take a hard look at how wedding rituals undermine that goal. Thank a feminist. Our lives don’t, and can’t, always line up perfectly with our politics. It could be considered sexist if your GF is the … Ms. Cox (nee Knowles) says that while asking for her father’s permission was a formality, she wanted Mr. Cox to do so. And yet no matter how you do it, it’s still hard to deny that asking a father specifically – asking for permission, or his blessing – plays into long-standing and deeply-held misogynist ideas of what marriage is for. You love the idea of sharing a last name. But respect for whom – and at who’s expense? Furthermore, consider every element of your proposal to be an item on a romance checklist that she will soon be cross-referencing with the checklists of her married female friends. folding their names and identities into their husbands, The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness, Please Don't Use This Proposal Cell Phone Case. Feminists have to hold these two ideas simultaneously: That all of us partake in sexist cultural norms to some degree or another, and also that it’s imperative for feminists to unflinchingly critique sexist cultural norms. Do it in person. Cosmopolitan participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites. 1; 2; Page 2 of 2. Asking your girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage can be SUPER intimidating. So you need to maximize it by going 100% cheesy, rose petals and all. Here’s why. 22 Things Nobody Tells You About Getting Married, Buying Her The Perfect Diamond Ring Doesn't Have To Be Daunting, Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. And it remains, for many people who enter into it, a significant turning point in their adult lives. It's a deeply sexist practice. In other words, no one loses their feminist card for playing into some of these tropes, or just deciding they would rather avoid a fight than take a feminist stance. Should they live far away, try to call at a time when you think they'll be home. Most Helpful Girls. Did Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler Reunite? Promise. Alternatively, she might agree with you and agree to marry you while you both work things … So let’s tackle each. In an Anglo-Saxon culture in present times you do not need to ask the girls parents first. If at all possible, make this a face-to-face meeting. If the gentlemen who wants to marry our daughter wants to show us that he has any respect for her family at all, then he will come and ask for her hand in marriage. With possibly Greek or Italian, I would ask the parents two or three weeks before proposing. Should you ask her father before you pop the question? You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. Share Tweet Flip. What are the man’s most important values? Do you agree on core values and big dreams? You've picked the perfect evening, and the perfect location, and you've even saved up to purchase the perfect ring. This is his daughter, so giving her away won’t come easy for him. Giving A Quality Wedding Toast Is Easier Than You'd Think. “Asking her father for her hand in marriage before you ask her, may seem cheesy, but it also may endear you to her folks (priceless) and not doing so may disappoint,” she said in an interview. Asking her father for her hand is an old fashioned, but quaint way of doing things. Here's How It's Done. And respecting a woman means not treating her like property, a stereotype instead of an individual, or an appendage to yourself – which means not expecting she take your name, not expecting she’ll do more of the at-home work because she’s the woman, and not asking her father if it’s OK to marry her. As love has become more important to marriage than money and joining families, the traditions have changed too. If your girl already knows .. then if possible, I would talk to her parents just before I plan to formerly propose. I could ask Mom on the phone before I propose. How to ask for your girl friend’s father for permission to marry his daughter. According to a 2015 survey from TheKnot.com of what appear to be overwhelmingly heterosexual couples, more than three-quarters of men ask for permission from their … Gender equality isn’t just about getting laws on the books; it’s about changing a culture that situates men as dominant and women as subordinate. I think the best way to start off the conversation … They shouldn’t. By: Sharp Staff | January 9, 2018 Tagged With: Marriage , Q&A100 , Relationships Are Overrated Anyway Lazy-A** Men Can Pay Someone to Plan Their Proposal. Wondering “should I propose?” The “should we have kids” discussion is pretty key. Talking to Your Girlfriend’s Parents Plan what you're going to say. (See also the ubiquity of “Future Mrs. Whatever” marital paraphernalia that adorns bachelorette parties and wedding-day getting-ready robes to “you may kiss the bride.”). The most popular arguments in favor of ask-dad-first seem to be tradition and respect. Does she really want to marry you? You and your partner may have talked about having the same last name—that’s a sign that you’re both comfortable with the idea of … Before popping the question to her father, make sure that you and your girlfriend are on the same page. Happy that the laws around marriage and women have been overhauled so you can be a married woman and an individual with a full set of rights? It’s the final days of August, which means summer wedding season is finally winding down, and we’ll have a few months of respite before the holiday engagement season – and the attendant ring-on-hand selfies that flood your Facebook feed -- kicks in. Asking for permission only to … This is what my partner and I did – after months of conversation, we decided to get married, and then we both talked with all our parents about our decision (they were thrilled, and no one was put off by not being consulted for their permission). Shares. These days, a man asking his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage is more out of respect than permission. And of course participating in some of the less-than-feminist aspects of engagement and marriage isn’t always a sacrifice – lots of women, myself included, have found a lot of fun in the frivolity of sparkly jewelry or a magical white dress. Of course, a lot of heterosexual couples do a kind of hybrid between tradition and modernity – they have a series of conversations about marriage and make the mutual decision to wed, and then the future groom has a conversation with his future wife’s father. Her father passed away about three years ago. If you don’t, your failure to do so will haunt you forever. April also suggests if you do decide to ask pops for her hand, be sure you do it close enough to the big day to minimize the chance of word getting out. ... have no bearing on whether or not he will propose, he points out. 4. Talk to the parents .. then propose directly after that. Follow These Tips. Its a good way of proposing means before proposing her just take a support of her father .And here think to be is you should be very careful while dealing with her parent.That's all.Be prepared. If your girl is someone who puts a lot of value on family and tradition, then asking her father is an absolute must. If your relationship is a pairing of equals, and you want your marriage to be about two equal partners, why not treat the deciding-to-get-married process the same way? Part of the reason human beings rely on tradition is because it’s a shortcut to traversing complex and important life events in a way that makes everyone comfortable and won’t hurt any feelings. In other words, more men talk to their girlfriend’s father about a plan to marry than talk about marriage, in serious and relatively immediate terms, to the woman they actually want to marry. “Respect,” the answer goes. Xper 5 +1 y. Which is why those of us in feminist relationships should reject that norm – or at least understand that by partaking in it, we’re reinforcing a deeply sexist practice. These days, a man asking his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage is more out of respect than permission. As love has become more important to marriage than money and joining families, the traditions have changed too. It would be a good idea to ask her when it would be the best time to meet with her parents. It's not a sign of respect. I do not recommend you to ask him in passing as if you are asking if you can have a beer from his fridge. It depends. It’s a good idea to try and warm your father-in-law up a little bit before you ask him. Time to Get You Le Best IG Caption, These Dresses Make Me Wanna Go to a Wedding So Bad, Calling All Brides: The *Best* Registry Gifts, Jill Filipovic is a contributing writer for. In most Western cultures it's not necessary. That’s part of the point. SEE MORE: ... 10 Adorable Ways to Propose on Valentine’s Day. Asking Her Parents For Permission Before You Propose It’s traditional to ask your true love’s father for permission before you propose, or to ask both parents for their blessing. We are very traditional family in most things. Asking Her Parents For Permission Before You Propose It’s traditional to ask your true love’s father for permission before you propose, or to ask both parents for their blessing. When it comes to asking your father, mother, or both of your parents, it all depends on the relationship. By contrast, only 58 percent of brides say they knew a proposal was coming, but just weren’t sure when – for 40 percent, it was a complete surprise. But neither, I hear, is marriage. It demonstrates that you’re serious about joining their family and about the marriage itself. Should You Plan the Wedding Before You're Engaged? Women don’t typically ask their boyfriends’ mothers for permission to wed, because for women, marriage isn’t seen as the taking-in of someone else; instead, you’re the one whose identity is being erased, and it’s you who’s being taken. Is it common in your culture? And while I suspect most couples today would say that they see marriage as a partnership of equals, that claim is undermined when couples also embrace the bizarre and outdated ideals that persist in the language and rituals of this union. Now, to the second hardest part—the actual proposal. V-Day Books to Read Before/After/Instead of a Date, Thinking About the SoulCycle At-Home Bike? We know it’s a little old fashion, but it’s still preferred for men to ask the girlfriend’s family for permission before proposing. It demonstrates that you’re serious about joining their family and about the marriage itself. Asking your girlfriend’s parents for … Why You Have To Ask Her Father Why You Have To Ask Her Father Before You Propose. Follow her on Twitter. Author has 7.1K answers and 5M answer views. James Bassil. Here are 9 tips to help you prepare for the big discussion before you propose. As tradition has it, you must ask for her father's blessing before you get down on one knee. So to be clear, no one is drawing a feminist line in the sand, with every woman whose husband asked her father for his blessing on the “Bad Feminist” side. “Asking her father for her hand in marriage before you ask her, may seem cheesy, but it also may endear you to her folks (priceless) and not doing so may disappoint,” she said in an interview. Does he … First and foremost, “Will you marry me?” should never be a real question – that is, one you don’t know the answer to and haven’t discussed extensively. Jill Filipovic is the author of The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness. Buy It, Prince Harry Speaks Out About the Capitol Riot, 10 Cute Spring 2021 Bag Trends. If her father is no longer alive, or if his whereabouts are unknown, don’t assume that you can ignore this tradition altogether. Are you still supposed to ask a girls father before you propose to her? She’ll love the gesture and will be flattered by your manners. What the What? If her father has given his blessing or you have determined that his concerns are things you can manage, propose to your lovely future bride. What's left to do? Well, guess what? June 4, 2013 . Today, I’m focusing on one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father’s permission before you propose. She might decide to wait for her Dad’s blessing before accepting. Do it in person. He wants your respect, but has been socialized to no longer expect it. April also suggests if you do decide to ask pops for her hand, be sure you do it close enough to the big day to minimize the chance of word getting out. In those bad old days, a married woman (or married girl, as the case often was) couldn’t own property or refuse sex, or have any separate legal existence from her husband; women were barred from voting in part because the husband was a wife’s legal representative. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io, 6 Tips for How to Dress for Your Engagement Pics, Hi, Yes, Pls Don‘t Propose to Your Partner RN, The Most Popular Wedding Venue in Every State, Lingerie Gift Sets You’ll Wanna Keep for Yourself, Fall Wedding Colors That Are Basically Sweaters, You’re Engaged! Tip Number 6 – If you Can’t Ask her Father. If her parents are still married, and you happen to call at a time when only one is available, simply say that you have something you want to ask them, but would like to wait until you can ask them both together, and when would be a good time to do so. There are few things that demonstrate less respect for an adult woman than asking her dad if she’s allowed to make one of the biggest decisions of her life. Read this expert advice on who to ask, how to ask it, and when! Proposal Photos That Will Make You Believe in Love. But perhaps second only to women overwhelmingly folding their names and identities into their husbands when they marry is men asking their girlfriend’s father for permission to marry her. Here are 9 tips to help you prepare for the big discussion before you propose. If Dad withheld his blessing, share that information with her so you and she can deal with those issues as a team. Well, yes, it is kind of old-school, in the same way that opening the car door for her is. We may earn commission from links on this page, but we only recommend products we love. When you give it to him, you’ll set yourself apart from every other guy under 30 in his life — including all his daughter’s ex-boyfriends. This is obviously less egregious than a man talking to his partner’s father before ever seriously discussing marriage plans with her, and then springing a surprise proposal on her (please, every woman reading this, if your boyfriend does this, run away as fast as you can – major life decisions are not best made by surprise, and being forced to utter a split second yes/no to marriage is not romantic; it’s a sign you’re too immature to get married). It’s respectful: visiting her father before the proposal shows that you care about both your fiancee’s wishes (assuming she would want you to ask for his blessing) and her father’s wishes, too. Bucking tradition is never easy. You know that you know that you know that you know… It’s healthy to question, to be concerned, and to be nervous. Should I Ask My Girlfriend's Father Before I Propose to Her? Depending on how close you are to your respective families, part of that ongoing conversation may very well include them, but it’s possible to involve all of your parents in a conversation about your impending marriage in a respectful way, without playing into misogynist ideas about what marriage means. You don’t have to necessarily ask her father, but at least let someone in her immediate family know of your intentions of marriage. Your over-the-top proposal will also give her something to slap down other women with... AskMen, Become a Better Man, Big Shiny Things, Mantics and guyQ are among the federally registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without explicit permission. Wide-Ranging Trends Point to a Banner Year Ahead for Men’s Grooming, A Guide to the Top Barbershop Hairstyles for Men, From Fades to Deep Waves, These Are the Best Hairstyles for Black Men, Shopping for an Engagement Ring? Men who pride themselves on manners, etiquette, and old-school charm will undoubtedly ask permission because it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. This includes respecting all the traditional rituals, from asking her dad at the outset to bending on one knee in the moment. Should I Ask My Girlfriend's Father Before I Propose to Her? ... have no bearing on whether or not he will propose, he points out. You deferred to him for the simple reason that he had toughed through more of life than you had, and because you knew that your gestures of respect would later entitle you to similar groveling from your own future son-in-law. We should not just write off anything a woman does as inherently beyond critique because “feminism is about choice.” Nor should we attack or berate individual women who, like most of us, are doing their best to live out their values while also enjoying their lives. If at all possible, make this a face-to-face meeting. Prepare to ask a girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage by calling him up and setting an appointment with the preface that you have some good news. A proposal should be a ritual and formality, a sweet moment that comes after in-depth discussions about why you want to get married, what marriage means, what it will look like, and when you want to do it. This is a nod to history, and a sign of respect for the family you are seeking to join. Believe me, I know – this is personal for me, because I’m getting married in a few months. Since she lived with her step-father but remained very close with her father as well, she says the men were like “a team in raising her.” Knowing the value of both men in Alex’s life, Brandon knew if he wanted to ask permission to marry Alex, it would be important to her that he ask both of the men who raised her. If she’s a woman who values family but doesn’t hold on tight to traditions, then make sure her family is aware of the proposal. Criticizing couples’ choices, especially around what is supposed to be a joyous and celebratory event, is fraught territory. But some women might be offended by the act. Author has 7.1K answers and 5M answer views whether or not he will propose, he out. Your proposal to her your partners parent ( s ), and any experience you might have had on.... But has been socialized to no longer expect it * * Men can Pay someone to Plan their proposal a..., it ’ s permission before proposing romanticize the asking-permission tradition that has slowly:... Quality Wedding Toast is Easier than you 'd think etiquette here, and can ’ t do by! Women might be offended by the act are on the relationship partner and! Years old at the time know – this is personal for me, because I ’ m on! Haunt you forever marriage is more out of respect for the big before... You need to maximize it by going 100 % cheesy, rose petals and.! 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Become more important to marriage than money and joining families, the traditions have changed too, your failure do... Dad withheld his blessing, share that information with her so you need to it... With our politics … Now, to the parents two or three weeks before proposing the Author of H-Spot! Uncle should be treated with the same page to formerly propose only to … you. Adorable Ways to should i ask her father before i propose on Valentine ’ s expense you must ask for her hand in is... Re serious about joining their family and about the SoulCycle At-Home Bike positive than. Who ’ s permission before proposing has gotten more egalitarian, it all depends on the same page and dreams. And you 've even saved up to purchase the perfect location, and can t... Respecting all the traditional rituals, from asking her father, mother, step-dad, or both your... All the traditional rituals, from asking her father, you must ask her! Greek or Italian, I would talk to her slowly faded: asking Dad. 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